- teacher: what's something that you need that you can't see or feel?
- person: air
- me: wifi
I take super hot showers because I like to practice burning in hell
this is weird
but sometimes I get nostalgic for that beginning part of recovery where I was still v underweight but also eating/discovering all of this (temporarily) new and exciting food but not gaining weight
but then that stage passes and you are gaining weight and eating inane amounts of food and it is not so exciting in fact it is mostly just terrifying
Then (before ip) and now (before my second glass of wine).
I could of posted pictures of my body; but weight is one of the many things I have gained since choosing recovery nearly 1.5 years ago and that would be just reinforcing the notion that anorexia and eating disorders are solely about weight.
Anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder will know the pure evil it inflicts. It truly broke me. I was dying, starving, putting my family and few friends left through hell. I was a slave to anorexia and just a completely lost and confused little girl. I harmed myself, I wanted to die. I was devious, controlled. My body had welts all over it, from where I hid burning hot food in my underwear. Bruised and covered in fur. Hair that came out in clumps. Bleeding gums and an emaciated, lifeless carcass. I was referred to as “the little ghost girl” by everyone. The only time I left my bed was for my multiple appointments and therapy sessions throughout the week, but even then I was too weak to move. It became a waiting game. I thought that was it, that was my life now, I would never be able to resume normality again. I went to ip unwillingly, but I am so glad I ended up there and not 6 feet underground.
I began to think a bit clearer. I was stubborn though, my anorexia had such a powerful hold on me. I had to choose recovery. I just had to. I doubted my decision every single minute of my day and I still do, but I know deep down inside my true self, Lottie, that I didn’t and don’t still want this. I have had relapses and lapses and blips and bumps but I am still choosing to recover. I have good days, bad days, ok days, I want to die right now days but I promise you; those days all put together beat a day of being a slave to my eating disorder.
I am nowhere near there yet, but I’m on my way. I smile and laugh now. I sit with my family and eat and talk about good things that have happened in my day. I go to University. I go out with friends and go for coffee gossips. I eat out. I eat popcorn (and lots of it). I SHALL HAVE CHRISTMAS DINNER WITH MY FAMILY THIS YEAR. I feel like I know myself a lot more now and I am slowly accepting and becoming content with that person. I like that I can just lie in my warm bed grinning to myself, knowing how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life that love me, knowing that I am ok and will be ok. Because that is all I have ever wanted.
Yes I gained weight, but that was obviously going to happen. This journey that I still continue to go through every day has been the hardest battle I have ever had to face. It is exhausting and complete and utter mental torture, but you can come out of the other side and I am starting to see some light. Please choose recovery.
REBLOG TO SPREAD THE WORD
You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? It’s waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. It’s knowing you always deserve to laugh. It’s doing what feels right no matter what. It’s doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. It’s about being yourself, ‘cause no one can tell you you’re doing it wrong.